So it's a day before my 30th birthday and I'm feeling crappy since I woke up this morning. So much for starting the day crying while listening to a worship song. It was not bad crying, I was just reminded of the goodness of my Abba in my life.
Actually, I'm feeling kind of crappy for a few days now. I'm not really sure why but I guess it has to do with not being BIG with my birthdays. These are the days when I just want to hide from the world and be by myself. I have always been this way, I don't like having to deal with the "birth day". I guess it's because for years I treated it like just any other day. But I do appreciate all the little surprises and small gestures that makes me feel I'm valued, that I am appreciated.
Early this year, I was actually looking forward to turn 30. There were words given to me during my devotions which if I would sum up would be; that my Savior didn't actually start His ministry until He turned 30. And it struck my heart that I should actually be excited to turn 30. I know that there is MORE for me as I turn a new chapter. But right now, as I am typing this, my hormones is getting the best of me. Just a side note, the last birthday blog I made was back when I was 23. WOW!
So I'm not really sure where this typing is leading but I just had the feeling that I need to unload some, as usual. Just to get this feelings off my chest and clear my fuzzy mind a little.
I am somewhere in the middle of being grateful for my life and the feeling of being hollow. I know that there are people that would feel lucky if they had my life but I also feel like there are still so much things that I want to do and has put aside because of other priorities. I feel like there are dreams in my heart begging to be started, wanting to be accomplished.
The goal has always been to see the world but right now I also have that deep desire to start learning again - to be in a classroom and get fresh knowledge. I think I'm getting tired of the routine - sleep, work, ministry, church. I'm craving for independence away from my family - to be selfish and just take care of my own needs. Darn! I really sound selfish here but no one really reads my blog so go ahead and judge.
Maybe this is just hormones, but they are real to me. I feel like crying for no reason and just cry to wash away this emotions. And I can't really organize my thoughts right now so that's another good reason to cry! My writing skill has been rusty for ages and needs a lot of polishing.
Oh well, I need to get through the day. That's my favorite motto - just get through and let it pass. One day I'll wake up and everything will be okay again.
I'll try my best to write something tomorrow. Maybe my thoughts will be clearer by then...
"I once wanted to be a BUTTERFLY..."
About Me
- rotzie prata
- Makati, Philippines
- Organized Chaos. A storm calmed by the King. Daughter of the best Abba. ♥ I write because it's my way of expressing what I couldn't say out loud.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Thursday, June 29, 2017
When It Comes Down To It, I Will Still Choose Forgiveness Every Time by Marisa Donnelly
I’ve always believed that forgiveness heals, that forgiveness saves, that forgiveness sets your heart free, whether you are the one asking or giving.
I’ve always believed in the power of the words, I forgive you, in the incredible weight that is lifted when they leave someone’s lips.
To me, forgiveness has always felt like the most beautiful second chance. Like the answer to a prayer you didn’t know you were asking. Like freedom in a way you never imagined. Like a burden finally lifted from your tired shoulders.
And so I learned to love forgiveness.
I learned that granting it gave me healing, that asking for it gave me humility and strength. I learned that we are all sinners, all a little broken, all looking for something to help us back on our feet again, all looking for someone to say that we’re doing alright, just as we are.
I found that people make mistakes. Often painful mistakes. Often mistakes that might not warrant forgiveness. Yet I tried to grant it anyways. I found that holding grudges made me bitter, made my heart ache. Made me feel empty and angry in ways that I never imagined.
I learned forgiveness meant letting go.
Letting go of my own pain, and letting go of the pain that was inflicted on me. I learned I didn’t have to have scars if I chose not to. I didn’t have to let painful words bruise my heart if I chose to set them free.
Maybe it’s a weakness, thinking that people always have my best interests in mind, thinking that when they say, I’m sorry. that they absolutely mean it with all their soul.
Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always lived with my heart open wide, letting people come in, choosing to see their smiles, their positives. Choosing to believe that they mean their apologies and that they had never intended to hurt me.
Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always seen forgiveness as a necessary step.
But I wouldn’t change that about myself.
I think I’ve forgiven people that haven’t deserved it. But I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because my heart doesn’t hurt any longer. Because there’s no bitterness hidden deep in my chest.
Because pain is only temporary, and I have chosen happiness.
Because forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than any pain inflicted on me, and I always will be.
I’ve always believed in the power of the words, I forgive you, in the incredible weight that is lifted when they leave someone’s lips.
To me, forgiveness has always felt like the most beautiful second chance. Like the answer to a prayer you didn’t know you were asking. Like freedom in a way you never imagined. Like a burden finally lifted from your tired shoulders.
And so I learned to love forgiveness.
I learned that granting it gave me healing, that asking for it gave me humility and strength. I learned that we are all sinners, all a little broken, all looking for something to help us back on our feet again, all looking for someone to say that we’re doing alright, just as we are.
I found that people make mistakes. Often painful mistakes. Often mistakes that might not warrant forgiveness. Yet I tried to grant it anyways. I found that holding grudges made me bitter, made my heart ache. Made me feel empty and angry in ways that I never imagined.
I learned forgiveness meant letting go.
Letting go of my own pain, and letting go of the pain that was inflicted on me. I learned I didn’t have to have scars if I chose not to. I didn’t have to let painful words bruise my heart if I chose to set them free.
Maybe it’s a weakness, thinking that people always have my best interests in mind, thinking that when they say, I’m sorry. that they absolutely mean it with all their soul.
Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always lived with my heart open wide, letting people come in, choosing to see their smiles, their positives. Choosing to believe that they mean their apologies and that they had never intended to hurt me.
Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always seen forgiveness as a necessary step.
But I wouldn’t change that about myself.
I think I’ve forgiven people that haven’t deserved it. But I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because my heart doesn’t hurt any longer. Because there’s no bitterness hidden deep in my chest.
Because pain is only temporary, and I have chosen happiness.
Because forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than any pain inflicted on me, and I always will be.
So I choose forgiveness.
I chose it then, and I still choose it. I will choose it when my heart is aching. I will choose it when I feel betrayed. I will choose it when people don’t treat me how they should, and it hurts to keep them in my life. Even then, I will choose forgiveness. And then I will walk away.
I choose forgiveness because I deserve to heal.
Because I don’t want to hold onto pain for any longer than I need to. Because healing starts when I let things go. And when I choose to forgive, those who hurt me become blessed, too.
And maybe, just maybe, they’ll learn to love and heal too.
I chose it then, and I still choose it. I will choose it when my heart is aching. I will choose it when I feel betrayed. I will choose it when people don’t treat me how they should, and it hurts to keep them in my life. Even then, I will choose forgiveness. And then I will walk away.
I choose forgiveness because I deserve to heal.
Because I don’t want to hold onto pain for any longer than I need to. Because healing starts when I let things go. And when I choose to forgive, those who hurt me become blessed, too.
And maybe, just maybe, they’ll learn to love and heal too.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Breaking Up With A Friend Is Harder Than Breaking Up With A Significant Other
You expect someone to break your heart. It’s understood that the person you love might one day wake up and decide they don’t love you anymore. It’s painful, yes, and you will feel like dying and you will feel like crying all of the tears but it’s a fact of life. It’s almost necessary. If you haven’t had your heart broken yet, it’s like you don’t know all there is to know yet. BRING ON THE HEARTBREAK, BABY. I want to understand.
Something you don’t expect, though, is a very important and valuable friendship coming to an end. I mean, on a basic level, you get that friendships fade and people outgrow each other but it’s sort of like getting in a drunk driving accident or having someone close to you die: it’s something you hear about all the time but you never expect it to happen to you.
This is the reason why the dissolution of a friendship can often be harder than the dissolution of a romantic relationship. In a way, it just feels more personal. Like a betrayal. People fall out of love with each other for a variety of reasons, many of which often have nothing to do with you. We know our hearts are fickle. We know that what we want today may be different than from what we want tomorrow. Best friends, however, are supposed to be the loophole. Jobs, boyfriends: those can be temporary, but best friendships are expected to transcend all of that. In a time of constant change, they’re there to remind you of the familiar.
I’ve gone through a breakup where I lost my fucking mind and did all of the crazy things you’re not supposed to do but can’t control anyway. It was awful and I thought I would never feel normal again, even though people said I would, and they eventually were right. I did feel normal again and now I can’t even access a sliver of the pain I once felt, even if I try real hard.
But a few years ago, I had a falling out with my very best friend, my number one, my life partner, and that’s pain that I can still readily access. That’s pain that never went completely away. Because I still think sometimes, “You should be here with me. I should be able to call you with this news or send you this funny YouTube video. You weren’t supposed to go away. You were supposed to survive it all.”
I don’t know, I just never felt that way about an ex. I kind of always understood the risk involved with giving someone your heart. So, although devastating, I wasn’t exactly shocked to the core when things ended.
With the loss of best friends, part of me still feels shocked because it seems like such an attack on who I am. The idea that someone could no longer want to be in my life, even though we’ve never loved each other in a romantic way, hurts. Isn’t sex the reason why things become alive and then sometimes die? I thought platonic friendships were somehow immune to strife. This was stupid wishful thinking, on my part, and now I know that it is distinctly possible for someone to no longer like who you are as a person. They don’t care about what you look like naked or if you have a wandering eye or if you can bring them breakfast in bed. They just care about your brain and whether or not awesome things can come out of it. When the friendship is over, you get the message: I DON’T LIKE WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
I understand that it’s more complicated than that. Like a relationship, friendships end for myriad reasons. Still, I can’t help but ignore the logic and feel the purest level of rejection.
Something you don’t expect, though, is a very important and valuable friendship coming to an end. I mean, on a basic level, you get that friendships fade and people outgrow each other but it’s sort of like getting in a drunk driving accident or having someone close to you die: it’s something you hear about all the time but you never expect it to happen to you.
This is the reason why the dissolution of a friendship can often be harder than the dissolution of a romantic relationship. In a way, it just feels more personal. Like a betrayal. People fall out of love with each other for a variety of reasons, many of which often have nothing to do with you. We know our hearts are fickle. We know that what we want today may be different than from what we want tomorrow. Best friends, however, are supposed to be the loophole. Jobs, boyfriends: those can be temporary, but best friendships are expected to transcend all of that. In a time of constant change, they’re there to remind you of the familiar.
I’ve gone through a breakup where I lost my fucking mind and did all of the crazy things you’re not supposed to do but can’t control anyway. It was awful and I thought I would never feel normal again, even though people said I would, and they eventually were right. I did feel normal again and now I can’t even access a sliver of the pain I once felt, even if I try real hard.
But a few years ago, I had a falling out with my very best friend, my number one, my life partner, and that’s pain that I can still readily access. That’s pain that never went completely away. Because I still think sometimes, “You should be here with me. I should be able to call you with this news or send you this funny YouTube video. You weren’t supposed to go away. You were supposed to survive it all.”
I don’t know, I just never felt that way about an ex. I kind of always understood the risk involved with giving someone your heart. So, although devastating, I wasn’t exactly shocked to the core when things ended.
With the loss of best friends, part of me still feels shocked because it seems like such an attack on who I am. The idea that someone could no longer want to be in my life, even though we’ve never loved each other in a romantic way, hurts. Isn’t sex the reason why things become alive and then sometimes die? I thought platonic friendships were somehow immune to strife. This was stupid wishful thinking, on my part, and now I know that it is distinctly possible for someone to no longer like who you are as a person. They don’t care about what you look like naked or if you have a wandering eye or if you can bring them breakfast in bed. They just care about your brain and whether or not awesome things can come out of it. When the friendship is over, you get the message: I DON’T LIKE WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
I understand that it’s more complicated than that. Like a relationship, friendships end for myriad reasons. Still, I can’t help but ignore the logic and feel the purest level of rejection.
~Ryan O'Connell
Friday, March 24, 2017
Thank You Rania!
To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their sensitivity.
The ones who have to say sorry for overreacting or getting emotional.
The ones who push people away because they care too much about them.
The ones who get hurt when someone looks the other way, when someone ignores their messages, when someone doesn't smile back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you live in a world that doesn't understand you.
I'm sorry that you live in a world that doesn't realize how much it needs you, because you give people hope and you remind people that it's okay to be real, soft and vulnerable.
You remind people that it's ok to be a non-perfect human being.
To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their vulnerability.
The ones who show too much too soon.
The ones who can't help but tell people how much they love them and what they're willing to do for them.
The ones who believe that people can change, that people can heal, that people just need the right kind of love to be the best versions of themselves.
Don't let the world change you.
Don't let heartbreak make you guarded.
Keep loving.
Keep giving.
Keep saying what you want to say because life is too short to keep important words unsaid.
I still don't have the answers.
I still don't know why people like you are suffering.
I still don't understand how your kindness and your authenticity is working against you but I know that a lot of people are watching you.
I know that a lot of people secretly want to be you.
I know that the people who criticize you also admire you.
I know that you're an inspiration to those around you.
And maybe the world is too hard on you because you're someone people look up to and they want to know that you'll keep on fighting.
They want to know that you'll keep on trying, you'll keep on building your own life and carving your own path because that's what makes you special.
That's what makes you extraordinary.
Your ability to live when everything around you is killing you.
- Rania Naim
The ones who have to say sorry for overreacting or getting emotional.
The ones who push people away because they care too much about them.
The ones who get hurt when someone looks the other way, when someone ignores their messages, when someone doesn't smile back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you live in a world that doesn't understand you.
I'm sorry that you live in a world that doesn't realize how much it needs you, because you give people hope and you remind people that it's okay to be real, soft and vulnerable.
You remind people that it's ok to be a non-perfect human being.
To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their vulnerability.
The ones who show too much too soon.
The ones who can't help but tell people how much they love them and what they're willing to do for them.
The ones who believe that people can change, that people can heal, that people just need the right kind of love to be the best versions of themselves.
Don't let the world change you.
Don't let heartbreak make you guarded.
Keep loving.
Keep giving.
Keep saying what you want to say because life is too short to keep important words unsaid.
I still don't have the answers.
I still don't know why people like you are suffering.
I still don't understand how your kindness and your authenticity is working against you but I know that a lot of people are watching you.
I know that a lot of people secretly want to be you.
I know that the people who criticize you also admire you.
I know that you're an inspiration to those around you.
And maybe the world is too hard on you because you're someone people look up to and they want to know that you'll keep on fighting.
They want to know that you'll keep on trying, you'll keep on building your own life and carving your own path because that's what makes you special.
That's what makes you extraordinary.
Your ability to live when everything around you is killing you.
- Rania Naim
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Madali Lang Naman
Madali lang naman akong palitan
Sino ba naman ako, diba?
Bigla mo na lamang binitawan
Ni hindi man lang ako naghinala
Madali lang naman akong palitan
Sa akin ay wala namang espesyal
Disisyon kong ikaw ay lapitan
Habang umuusal ng taimtim na dasal
Naniwala ako sa mga sinabi mo
Umasang lahat yun ay totoo
Sino nga ba naman ako, diba?
Wala ~ ngayon ay baliwala.
Akala ko iba ka
Akala ko di ka tulad nila
Nagkamali pala ako
Iniwan mo din ako sa dulo
Akala ko iba ka
Na sayo pwede akong maging masaya
Nagkamali nga ako
Kasi mas masakit ang dala mo
Iniisip ko pa din ano ang nagawa
Para sa akin ay bigla kang kumawala
Naiwan ako na puno ng tanong
Di pa alam paano susulong
Ano nga ba ang ginawa?
Bakit bigla kang nawala?
Baka nga madali akong palitan
Huwag na lang natin ipagpilitan
Sino ba naman ako, diba?
Bigla mo na lamang binitawan
Ni hindi man lang ako naghinala
Madali lang naman akong palitan
Sa akin ay wala namang espesyal
Disisyon kong ikaw ay lapitan
Habang umuusal ng taimtim na dasal
Naniwala ako sa mga sinabi mo
Umasang lahat yun ay totoo
Sino nga ba naman ako, diba?
Wala ~ ngayon ay baliwala.
Akala ko iba ka
Akala ko di ka tulad nila
Nagkamali pala ako
Iniwan mo din ako sa dulo
Akala ko iba ka
Na sayo pwede akong maging masaya
Nagkamali nga ako
Kasi mas masakit ang dala mo
Iniisip ko pa din ano ang nagawa
Para sa akin ay bigla kang kumawala
Naiwan ako na puno ng tanong
Di pa alam paano susulong
Ano nga ba ang ginawa?
Bakit bigla kang nawala?
Baka nga madali akong palitan
Huwag na lang natin ipagpilitan
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