Throwing a shot for the NEXT STAGE...

So this is how it feels like the day before the most awaited yet dreaded BOARD EXAM...

I'll try my best to put it in words. But I tell you, it's the most difficult feeling I have ever felt. More crazier than what I felt when I was waiting for my grades on my last semester in college and wondering if I'll be graduating or not...

- I feel like I have these huge butterflies in my stomach that keeps on flying around and makes me want to throw up...

- I can't study anymore... Unlike what I do best in college where I usually study the day or hours before the exams and get to retain everything... I feel like my brain is too full and additional data could no longer be stored...

- A lot of things are running inside my head... Visions... "What if's"... Things that I want to happen...

- I'm kind of BIPOLAR today! I'm happy one moment then feels like crying the next minute...

- I am over sensitive. I usually am, but today is way over my usual border... I get bothered easily... I can't focus on the things I usually love to do... Not even TV, Facebook, Twitter nor a good fiction book!

- I'm wishing that tomorrow would never come... FOR REAL!!!

I thought I will never have the guts to take the CPA Board Exam... With two CPA best friends around; I felt more pressured... What I have gone through in the accountancy program in my university felt like hell. A lot of disappointments, failures and pressures that made me feel less confident on what I was capable of. But alas! after being one year delayed for graduation, I got through. It was like; finally unmasking myself out of the oxygen tank and breathing my first dose of fresh air after relying to a machine to keep me going for a long time. It felt like being free again; gaining my life back!

Then I found myself in the doorstep of one of the famous CPA Review school in the country. Calling my mom and telling her I'm enrolling on the more or less 5 months review program to prepare for the October 2011 board exam. And I was back to COMA; autopilot mode.

Everyday, as the actual board exam date approaches, I felt like I want to go back to that day, when I was calling my mom, and take my word back. But time machine does not exist in the real world. I have to brave this and just do my best and let my God lead me to His best.

It's really too late to quit now. And no matter how scared I am right now I will still feel the same thing even if I postpone taking the board exam later. It's now or never. It's either I do it today or don't do it at all...

And in desperate times... Well, I just run to Him... I know no matter what happens in the end, His perfect plan for my life is what I truly desire.

At the back of my mind I'm scared of another disappointment. I'm scared of what other people might say. I'm scared of FAILING MYSELF again. I came to a point where I accepted that accounting was not really for me. I didn't plan on ever putting myself on this situation. CPA BOARD EXAM certainly was not in my bucket list. But here I am on the point of no return... I believe He led me here. It's either this is His plan or He wants me to learn something out of this.

I'm not confident on what I have in my mind or the knowledge I accumulated for the last 5 months. But I am confident with my God; what He is capable of doing and what His perfect will for my life is. Some might find this absurd but in my journey in faith everything I do that does not involve Him is nothing. It might be success to the world but at the end of the day I don't find peace and contentment.

One thing I am sure of; that my God is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. What I lack He will sustain, what I think is impossible is possible for Him. I have fear in my heart but I put my trust in Him.

I am setting my mind and I will continue to set them on the higher things. My God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I won't be unbelieving but will continue to believe of all the possible things He could do.

I am keeping an attitude of FAITH

I will stay CALM

I will stay at PEACE

I will stay in a POSITIVE frame of mind

I won't try to do it my way

I will let God do it HIS WAY

"Be of good cheer daughter. Your FAITH has made you well."

(Matthew 9:22)

P.S

On October 17 it's either I will gain a title to place at the end of my name or keep it as it is. No matter what happens I am keeping my faith and keeping my title as a CHILD and an HEIR of God.

I AM 23

I don't really know how to start my b-day blog this year. I was trying to make one last night but it's all crap so I decided not to post it anyway. I was trying to make something with sense but failed. I just find it more real if I just tap away and type whatever my quirky mind produces...

My birthday has never been something grand. I usually spend it ordinarily. Usually lazing around and catching up to do things I missed doing... Like reading a book, DVD marathons or just simply being in bed the whole day or couch potato-ing... I don't really invite friends over. I always prefer to have what my parents set aside in cash... Most often to buy MORE BOOKS to read or to just spend it for myself. Yeah! I'm selfish! but it's just how I want my birthdays to be spent. =)

But no matter how weird I like to spend my birthday, a simple greeting from people who matters to me never fails to make me smile. There's something in it that makes me feel special. This year, I only received a few birthday greetings in SMS (from my grandmother of course and from 4 other people.) which reminds me how time changed a lot. But my FB wall was flooded with more than a hundred fifty "happy birthday" and my twitter mentions was flooded too. I know that facebook reminds everyone of us that it's our friends birthday and my twitter followers are mostly my friends in facebook too... but it overwhelms me still. Just thinking that out of my friends precious time they alloted a few seconds to have the time to type a greeting for me... I have simple happy-things... Simple joys...

Well, my birthday this year is a Sunday, so obviously, I was in church. And to be in church on Sunday is usually a whole day affair in my life; church service then workshop then musical thing practice. I eventually arrived back home around 7pm. Family dinner over the usual menus then cakes and ice cream. That's it! that's how my 2011 birthday went.

I'm 23 and my life has been something I can call AWESOME!!!

23 AWESOME years and loving it…

My life was not “THE PERFECT LIFE”. I had my share of success, satisfaction, value and happiness. I also had my fair share of failures, disappointments, mistakes and stress. Just like most people; I live a typical normal life. I had my ups and downs. I had my triumphs and defeats. I had my friends and foes. I had my laughter and tears.

23 AWESOME years and I will continue to look forward on everything that this world has to offer; places to be explored, people to be met, knowledge to be learned and memories to be made.

I am a dreamer and I will continue to dream...

Dream of success…

Dream of happily ever after…

Dream of that true loves kiss…

I am worshipper and I will continue to sing melodies for Him…

Sing of His goodness…

Sing of His greatness…

Sing of His holiness…

I am a reader and I will continue to read…

Read to gain knowledge…

Read to share awareness…

Read to acquire maturity…

I am a writer and I will continue to write…

Write to stand on what I believe in…

Write to entertain…

Write to communicate…

I am a traveler and I will continue my journey...

Travel through God's plan...

Travel to see the beauty of God's creation...

Travel to be amazed...

I don’t have “THE PERFECT LIFE” but…

I thank the Lord for all the AWESOME blessings, the unmerited favors, the unconditional love and for what He continues to do AWESOMELY in my life…

P.S

They say you get to have one wish on your birthday... Well I don't do wishes anymore. So I will ask a favor from everyone who gets to read my birthday blog.

--- PLEASE WHISPER A PRAYER FOR ME. ADD YOUR FAITH WITH MY FAITH. HELP ME DECLARE THAT I COULD CONQUER THE 2011 OCTOBER C.P.A BOARD EXAM.

xoxo,

tracey

SINCE ITS THE LAST DAY OF THE LOVE MONTH...

*I was browsing my old blogs in MULTIPLY and I came across this. It was dated February 12, 2010 and since I am too lazy to make a love month blog this year I will just repost this. Anyway, I am still having the same sentiments.*

So before the love month ends…

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!- kris aquino-yap

the first time i heard kris aquino said this statement on an interview it captured my thought and it stuck! simply LOVE. period.

valentines day is in the air. my classmates/schoolmates/church mates and friends are busy planning for it. this year my 21st (now 22nd) singleness is still in. and i am starting to be envious! where are you my prince? i wonder.

no plans. i would simply go with the flow. watch a movie or something just to survive the day! haha.

last year when i blogged on valentines day itself i was alone at home. and now i plan to be out. so im doing this ahead.

i am happy being single.

but there are moments when everything seems to be going so badly and im all stressed out and i just wanted someone who would hug me tight and tell me that everything’s gonna be all right. there are 9pm nights after classes when i wish someone special would be out on the school gate waiting for me, someone who would make sure i would get home safely. there are shopping days when i wish someone would help me carry all the shopping bags and would patiently go with me from one store to another, someone whom i could ask opinion if what i am buying is worth all the money i spent on it. there are walking moments when i wish someone is holding my hand, just holding it making me feel that i am not alone. there are lazy days when i wish i could have someone who would watch my favorite chick-flicks with me, just spend the entire day talking, laughing, goofing as long as we’re together. there are vacations when i wish someone is there with me on that far-away place enjoying the beauty of nature and simply relaxing. there are sleepless nights when i wish i could have someone whom i could call and just simply pester so he won’t be able to sleep too. there are silent moments when i wish someone is there who would simply stare at me and just silently watch me. someone who would care… someone whom i could also care for.

i know… its just hormones…

but i wish for that SPECIAL SOMEONE… not just for valentines day’s sake… but for real.

someone whom when i ask:

“would you still love me even if i gain so MUCH WEIGHT???”

would answer:

“forever and ever, babe.”