So this is how it feels like the day before the most awaited yet dreaded BOARD EXAM...
I'll try my best to put it in words. But I tell you, it's the most difficult feeling I have ever felt. More crazier than what I felt when I was waiting for my grades on my last semester in college and wondering if I'll be graduating or not...
- I feel like I have these huge butterflies in my stomach that keeps on flying around and makes me want to throw up...
- I can't study anymore... Unlike what I do best in college where I usually study the day or hours before the exams and get to retain everything... I feel like my brain is too full and additional data could no longer be stored...
- A lot of things are running inside my head... Visions... "What if's"... Things that I want to happen...
- I'm kind of BIPOLAR today! I'm happy one moment then feels like crying the next minute...
- I am over sensitive. I usually am, but today is way over my usual border... I get bothered easily... I can't focus on the things I usually love to do... Not even TV, Facebook, Twitter nor a good fiction book!
- I'm wishing that tomorrow would never come... FOR REAL!!!
I thought I will never have the guts to take the CPA Board Exam... With two CPA best friends around; I felt more pressured... What I have gone through in the accountancy program in my university felt like hell. A lot of disappointments, failures and pressures that made me feel less confident on what I was capable of. But alas! after being one year delayed for graduation, I got through. It was like; finally unmasking myself out of the oxygen tank and breathing my first dose of fresh air after relying to a machine to keep me going for a long time. It felt like being free again; gaining my life back!
Then I found myself in the doorstep of one of the famous CPA Review school in the country. Calling my mom and telling her I'm enrolling on the more or less 5 months review program to prepare for the October 2011 board exam. And I was back to COMA; autopilot mode.
Everyday, as the actual board exam date approaches, I felt like I want to go back to that day, when I was calling my mom, and take my word back. But time machine does not exist in the real world. I have to brave this and just do my best and let my God lead me to His best.
It's really too late to quit now. And no matter how scared I am right now I will still feel the same thing even if I postpone taking the board exam later. It's now or never. It's either I do it today or don't do it at all...
And in desperate times... Well, I just run to Him... I know no matter what happens in the end, His perfect plan for my life is what I truly desire.
At the back of my mind I'm scared of another disappointment. I'm scared of what other people might say. I'm scared of FAILING MYSELF again. I came to a point where I accepted that accounting was not really for me. I didn't plan on ever putting myself on this situation. CPA BOARD EXAM certainly was not in my bucket list. But here I am on the point of no return... I believe He led me here. It's either this is His plan or He wants me to learn something out of this.
I'm not confident on what I have in my mind or the knowledge I accumulated for the last 5 months. But I am confident with my God; what He is capable of doing and what His perfect will for my life is. Some might find this absurd but in my journey in faith everything I do that does not involve Him is nothing. It might be success to the world but at the end of the day I don't find peace and contentment.
One thing I am sure of; that my God is leading me and I am more than willing to follow. What I lack He will sustain, what I think is impossible is possible for Him. I have fear in my heart but I put my trust in Him.
I am setting my mind and I will continue to set them on the higher things. My God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I won't be unbelieving but will continue to believe of all the possible things He could do.
I am keeping an attitude of FAITH
I will stay CALM
I will stay at PEACE
I will stay in a POSITIVE frame of mind
I won't try to do it my way
I will let God do it HIS WAY
"Be of good cheer daughter. Your FAITH has made you well."
(Matthew 9:22)
P.S
On October 17 it's either I will gain a title to place at the end of my name or keep it as it is. No matter what happens I am keeping my faith and keeping my title as a CHILD and an HEIR of God.
