When It Comes Down To It, I Will Still Choose Forgiveness Every Time by Marisa Donnelly

I’ve always believed that forgiveness heals, that forgiveness saves, that forgiveness sets your heart free, whether you are the one asking or giving.

I’ve always believed in the power of the words, I forgive you, in the incredible weight that is lifted when they leave someone’s lips.

To me, forgiveness has always felt like the most beautiful second chance. Like the answer to a prayer you didn’t know you were asking. Like freedom in a way you never imagined. Like a burden finally lifted from your tired shoulders.

And so I learned to love forgiveness.

I learned that granting it gave me healing, that asking for it gave me humility and strength. I learned that we are all sinners, all a little broken, all looking for something to help us back on our feet again, all looking for someone to say that we’re doing alright, just as we are.

I found that people make mistakes. Often painful mistakes. Often mistakes that might not warrant forgiveness. Yet I tried to grant it anyways. I found that holding grudges made me bitter, made my heart ache. Made me feel empty and angry in ways that I never imagined.

I learned forgiveness meant letting go.

Letting go of my own pain, and letting go of the pain that was inflicted on me. I learned I didn’t have to have scars if I chose not to. I didn’t have to let painful words bruise my heart if I chose to set them free.

Maybe it’s a weakness, thinking that people always have my best interests in mind, thinking that when they say, I’m sorry. that they absolutely mean it with all their soul.

Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always lived with my heart open wide, letting people come in, choosing to see their smiles, their positives.  Choosing to believe that they mean their apologies and that they had never intended to hurt me.

Maybe it’s a weakness that I’ve always seen forgiveness as a necessary step.

But I wouldn’t change that about myself.

I think I’ve forgiven people that haven’t deserved it. But I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because my heart doesn’t hurt any longer. Because there’s no bitterness hidden deep in my chest.

Because pain is only temporary, and I have chosen happiness.

Because forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than any pain inflicted on me, and I always will be.

So I choose forgiveness.

I chose it then, and I still choose it. I will choose it when my heart is aching. I will choose it when I feel betrayed. I will choose it when people don’t treat me how they should, and it hurts to keep them in my life. Even then, I will choose forgiveness. And then I will walk away.

I choose forgiveness because I deserve to heal.

Because I don’t want to hold onto pain for any longer than I need to. Because healing starts when I let things go. And when I choose to forgive, those who hurt me become blessed, too.

And maybe, just maybe, they’ll learn to love and heal too.

Breaking Up With A Friend Is Harder Than Breaking Up With A Significant Other

You expect someone to break your heart. It’s understood that the person you love might one day wake up and decide they don’t love you anymore. It’s painful, yes, and you will feel like dying and you will feel like crying all of the tears but it’s a fact of life. It’s almost necessary. If you haven’t had your heart broken yet, it’s like you don’t know all there is to know yet. BRING ON THE HEARTBREAK, BABY. I want to understand.

Something you don’t expect, though, is a very important and valuable friendship coming to an end. I mean, on a basic level, you get that friendships fade and people outgrow each other but it’s sort of like getting in a drunk driving accident or having someone close to you die: it’s something you hear about all the time but you never expect it to happen to you.

This is the reason why the dissolution of a friendship can often be harder than the dissolution of a romantic relationship. In a way, it just feels more personal. Like a betrayal. People fall out of love with each other for a variety of reasons, many of which often have nothing to do with you. We know our hearts are fickle. We know that what we want today may be different than from what we want tomorrow. Best friends, however, are supposed to be the loophole. Jobs, boyfriends: those can be temporary, but best friendships are expected to transcend all of that. In a time of constant change, they’re there to remind you of the familiar.

I’ve gone through a breakup where I lost my fucking mind and did all of the crazy things you’re not supposed to do but can’t control anyway. It was awful and I thought I would never feel normal again, even though people said I would, and they eventually were right. I did feel normal again and now I can’t even access a sliver of the pain I once felt, even if I try real hard.

But a few years ago, I had a falling out with my very best friend, my number one, my life partner, and that’s pain that I can still readily access. That’s pain that never went completely away. Because I still think sometimes, “You should be here with me. I should be able to call you with this news or send you this funny YouTube video. You weren’t supposed to go away. You were supposed to survive it all.”

I don’t know, I just never felt that way about an ex. I kind of always understood the risk involved with giving someone your heart. So, although devastating, I wasn’t exactly shocked to the core when things ended.

With the loss of best friends, part of me still feels shocked because it seems like such an attack on who I am. The idea that someone could no longer want to be in my life, even though we’ve never loved each other in a romantic way, hurts. Isn’t sex the reason why things become alive and then sometimes die? I thought platonic friendships were somehow immune to strife. This was stupid wishful thinking, on my part, and now I know that it is distinctly possible for someone to no longer like who you are as a person. They don’t care about what you look like naked or if you have a wandering eye or if you can bring them breakfast in bed. They just care about your brain and whether or not awesome things can come out of it. When the friendship is over, you get the message: I DON’T LIKE WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.

I understand that it’s more complicated than that. Like a relationship, friendships end for myriad reasons. Still, I can’t help but ignore the logic and feel the purest level of rejection.

~Ryan O'Connell

Thank You Rania!

To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their sensitivity.
The ones who have to say sorry for overreacting or getting emotional.
The ones who push people away because they care too much about them.
The ones who get hurt when someone looks the other way, when someone ignores their messages, when someone doesn't smile back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you live in a world that doesn't understand you.
I'm sorry that you live in a world that doesn't realize how much it needs you, because you give people hope and you remind people that it's okay to be real, soft and vulnerable.
You remind people that it's ok to be a non-perfect human being.
To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their vulnerability.
The ones who show too much too soon.
The ones who can't help but tell people how much they love them and what they're willing to do for them.
The ones who believe that people can change, that people can heal, that people just need the right kind of love to be the best versions of themselves.
Don't let the world change you.
Don't let heartbreak make you guarded.
Keep loving.
Keep giving.
Keep saying what you want to say because life is too short to keep important words unsaid.
I still don't have the answers.
I still don't know why people like you are suffering.
I still don't understand how your kindness and your authenticity is working against you but I know that a lot of people are watching you.
I know that a lot of people secretly want to be you.
I know that the people who criticize you also admire you.
I know that you're an inspiration to those around you.
And maybe the world is too hard on you because you're someone people look up to and they want to know that you'll keep on fighting.
They want to know that you'll keep on trying, you'll keep on building your own life and carving your own path because that's what makes you special.
That's what makes you extraordinary.
Your ability to live when everything around you is killing you.

- Rania Naim

Madali Lang Naman

Madali lang naman akong palitan
Sino ba naman ako, diba?
Bigla mo na lamang binitawan
Ni hindi man lang ako naghinala

Madali lang naman akong palitan
Sa akin ay wala namang espesyal
Disisyon kong ikaw ay lapitan
Habang umuusal ng taimtim na dasal

Naniwala ako sa mga sinabi mo
Umasang lahat yun ay totoo
Sino nga ba naman ako, diba?
Wala ~ ngayon ay baliwala.

Akala ko iba ka
Akala ko di ka tulad nila
Nagkamali pala ako
Iniwan mo din ako sa dulo

Akala ko iba ka
Na sayo pwede akong maging masaya
Nagkamali nga ako
Kasi mas masakit ang dala mo

Iniisip ko pa din ano ang nagawa
Para sa akin ay bigla kang kumawala
Naiwan ako na puno ng tanong
Di pa alam paano susulong

Ano nga ba ang ginawa?
Bakit bigla kang nawala?
Baka nga madali akong palitan
Huwag na lang natin ipagpilitan

UNTITLED

You pushed me to fall
To drown from all the thoughts
My world suddenly turned small
A cage, that's what you brought

What have I done?
What have you done?
I was free
Until you imprisoned me

Tormented by a past
Piercing eyes created fear
What spell did you cast?
Who I was, disappeared

I cannot breathe
Your presence suffocates me
I cannot breathe
And I needed to flee

~ February 2017

UNTITLED

I screamed
But no words came out
Burning in rage
Yet all composed

This mind wants to get even
But the heart says otherwise
Forgive, absolve, stop
It repeatedly cries

Everything feels broken inside
Pieces on the floor that I can't pick up
Shard glass that can still woe me
As I walk around it unshod

This pain will stop
Surely, one day it will
And I'll bear the scars
That will remind me to be still

Will my questions be answered?
Please give me my rest
I'm getting too tired
I want my life zest

~ February 2017

SHE'S TIRED.

She said she was okay.
And you believed her?
Let me tell you what's wrong with her.
She's tired.
That's exactly what she is, tired.
She's tired of getting hurt.
She's tired of being let down.
She's tired of all the lies.
She's tired of holding it all in.
She's tired of feeling broken, damaged, worthless, never good enough, pain.
She tired of being judged for everything that she does.
She's tired of all her flaws and insecurities.
She's tired of trying.
She's tired of getting her hopes up.
She's tired of being treated like shit.
She's tired of being herself.
She's tired, want to know how I know all this?
Because she's me and I'm really tired.

Our Song

Our song played in the radio today
It somehow made me sway
Reminded me of our plays
All the happy days

I suddenly remember
Days my eyes would shed a tear
When a memory is stirred
How I wish I could disappear

I revisited some place
Hoping I could somehow erase
Your memory and trace
It was a hopeless case

And so I smiled today
Checked my heart, it's now okay
I no longer see gray
When our song played in the radio today

~ RTBR (031517)

Open Letter #1

I pray that someday I would understand what happened ~ what happened to us. Why you suddenly turned cold after allowing me to depend on the warmness of your presence. I woke up one day and knew something was wrong. Something was different. But I shrugged it off because you said you just need time. Time for you to recover from all the people you need to deal with.

I don't know what to call us. We are not lovers, that I am sure of. Best friends? I'm not even sure anymore. Right now I feel like it was one sided. But I cared. I deeply cared. To the point that I worry too much about you, I disregarded myself.

For months my world was all about you. You were my "good mornings" and "good nights". You were my spontaneous adventures. You were my endless conversation of ideas. Time with you was something I look forward to. I know you are broken. Shattered ~ is how you describe it. But I didn't see that. What I saw was something beautiful. Something worthy to be loved. I know from the start that I am not the one that could put you back together. But I prayed in my heart that I could help you pick up the pieces.

You trusted me and showed me something that you do not allow the world to see. You let me in to see that underneath the very strong facade are glass panels with cracks, shattered pieces on the floor ~ chaos everywhere. But there was warmth. This can be home. I thought my light would somehow shed some hope into your darkness. And just when I was getting cozy you suddenly threw me out and shut the door in my face. I thought I was welcome but I was not really given a key. So right now I'm sitting outside shivering from the cold. Scared. Lost. Damaged.

I think it's time to walk away. I need to save myself.

The teardrop runs down,
And fall of her nose,
She cries in dark corners,
Where nobody goes.

You can follow the tracks,
From her eyes to her chin,
Years upon years,
Of letting them win.

And her eyes tell a story,
Of anger and pain,
You think that she's happy,
But just look again.

And the scars of her past,
Hidden under her clothes,
Are a roadmap to places,
That nobody knows.

Her smile is now painted,
She's a master of disguise,
And you can see it all,
Just look into her eyes.

~Anon

Aalis muna ako. Sana masaya ka.

Aalis muna ako
Tatakasan sandali ang mundo
Magtatago pansamantala
Susubukan kong huminga

Tatahakin ang mahabang daan
Walang pakialam kung saan
Nais ko lang muna kalimutan
Kahit na panandalian

Sana kayang maghilom ng sugat
Lahat ng sakit ibubulong ko sa dagat
Ibabaon ko sa buhangin
Lahat ng alaala natin

Ipapatangay ko sa alon
Sa laot, doon ko itatapon
Mga pangako na binitawan
Sa huli ako pa din ay iniwanan

Dito sa ilalim ng buwan
Bituin nakatunghay sa kalangitan
Iluluha ko na ang lahat
Sa sarili ipapaalala ang dapat

Susubukan kong tumawa
Hahalakhak kasama ng iba
Kahit dinudurog ang puso ko
Kasi ikaw ang sigaw nito

Sana masaya ka
Yan ang dasal ko sa lumikha
Sana makabangon ako
Mahirap, pero kakayanin ko

~RTBR (03122017)

When You're A Sensitive Soul Living In A World That Hurts Too Much

I’m a sensitive soul

living,

in an insensitive world.

A world that hurts,

too much.

A world that denies love.
And encourages fear.
Even
of.
love.

A world not built for me.
But needs me.

I’m a sensitive soul;
I hurt for the hurting.
I bleed for the wounded.
I cry for the sad.
I feel for the numb.

I’m a sensitive soul;
I show up for the delinquent.
I stand brave for the scared.
I remain open for the closed.
I give for those who take.

I’m a sensitive soul;
I find solitude comforting.
Too much world time,
can destroy me,
and almost did.

It’s a battlefield,
I’m the target,
who’s not
always
armed well.
I’m a sensitive soul;
I speak up,
speak out,
lend my voice,
my heart,
my strength.

I’m a sensitive soul;
I know when you are lying,
to me,
to yourself.
I know things I cannot explain.
I feel.
It’s who I am.
Connected to pretty much,
everything.

I’m a sensitive soul;
I see and know
too much sometimes.
The pain and suffering,
not always mine.
I feel pain,
like I feel love,
deeply.
An empath,
they tell me.
I’m a sensitive soul;
Who’s often
misunderstood,
dismissed
confused
depressed
feeling anxiety.

It’s not easy living in a world
you don’t fit in.

I’m a sensitive soul;
Tried to medicate,
dim,
numb,
anything to fit in.
But we cannot.

We were never meant to.

We are different.

Why?

To prepare us

For we are sensitive souls;
Born into a world we don’t fit in.
Fighting,
to create a new one.

~ Krissy VanAlstine

Tapping it out (02222017)

My emotions was quiet in a rut for the past few months. Something that I haven't experienced for a long while. I got drained spiritually and my emotion started eating me up. It was one hell of an emotional parkour! And for someone who has always been afraid of heights ~ I felt like I was on the edge of a very tall building ready to jump off.

I am still recovering. Taking one day at a time. I'm taking my moment to heal.

I realized that I was giving so much of myself to people that I forgot to leave some for my needs. Don't get me wrong, I love comforting and being there for people but my emphatic self has its cons. I believe I was built to be a listener and simply assure people that everything will eventually be okay. I find joy in encouraging them and lifting their spirit up. I have always known my boundaries. I know when to brush things off and leave things that is beyond my control. But lately, I haven't been able to do that. I felt so consumed that I can't even bear updating myself with the news because it was too much for me.

I would have to commend myself for being a good judge of character. I can get along well with most people but I am so careful in choosing who I allow to see the "real me". To see beyond the facade I usually keep. To see what's behind the masks I wear. And when I allow someone in, I bare my soul - no reservations. Because once I let someone in they become "my people". He or she becomes "my person". And that's one of my biggest fears ~ to let someone in and see the vulnerable me and then turn their back on it because it's not what they are looking for. I fear being unappreciated by "my people". I fear the loss.

Unfortunately, not everyone would treat you as theirs and I have to be okay with that. I have to accept that this world would fail me and hurt me. But when I overcome what it throws at me I become a better person. I get to learn a lesson.

Fear is the worst thing that could eat you up. Fear of the unknown, fear of darkness, fear of failing yourself. Fear of losing someone you thought you'll never lose. All these are inevitable ~ I have already established that. But I tend to forget. I tend to be in denial.

I was trying to think back if I was ever hurt this way before. That feeling that I can't breath properly and all I could do is cry, even cry myself to sleep! But when I wake up the pain is still there ~ an open wound that keeps on throbbing. I was hurting and hurting so bad that I lost my anchor, which is my faith. I felt so unloved. I felt like I lost my light. Everyday was a struggle. Everyday I drag myself to function for the heck of it.

But the God that I believe in never left me. He showed me how loved I am. How great is His love for me. That He can remove me away from the mess I created for myself. I thought that being in church was enough. I forgot that what my God offered me was not a religion but a personal relationship with Him. I forgot my privilege as a daughter of the most high. I forgot that my focus should be Him and not whatever this world offers me. I forgot that my purpose is to glorify Him in everything that I do.

So I went back and spent time with Him. I went back to my true refuge and fortress. I spent time praying and simply crying my heart out to Him. Cause He alone truly cares. He knows the deepest corners of my heart. He made me realize that my cup got empty and I need refilling that He alone can provide. I was reminded that in order for me to abound with love for people I need to get filled first with His love. I need to be continually filled in order for me to overflow.

I am getting my light back. I am getting a hold of my emotions. I wanted closure if God would allow it. But for now, knowing that I am so much loved and valued by my Abba is enough for me. He dug me out of the rut I buried myself into. He didn't see a schmuck but a precious daughter who foolishly lost her way. God alone can fill this big hole inside my heart. He is enough for me.

I could say that by His grace I am already out of the dark tunnel. Light is already shining down on me. But I haven't really stepped far away from the tunnel. I can still go back in if I want to. So I continue to pray and spend time with him. Because as much as he chose me I choose Him over everything.

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them

Everlasting Love

Photo taken from: Mount Pulag, Kabayan, Benguet 2015

Wander

On a highway I am lost
Stretched infront of me is a hundred miles at most
I feel scared, I feel worst!
Knowing I'm alone, was I cursed?

Where am I heading? I am not sure
I can't even determine the path that would lead me to a cure
A cure from all the emptiness I feel
Or perhaps wake me up with a slap and tell me "get real!"

I wander on a road that I have gone a lot of times
But still I am a stranger cause all I did was whine
I didn't look for details nor left any sign
That would remind me I've been here I should know it has been mine

I am a traveller who doesn't pay attention
Who wanders all the time and doesn't even mention
That I am well acquainted to the path I am taking
For I've been here a lot of times, some of it was even my making

I don't know where this lead
I'll just keep on walking
Till I get tired and dead
From all the nonsense I'm mourning

~ RTBR (10/04/2013)

Here

This is my sanctuary
Where best secrets are kept
Here lies all memories
Of past that made me wept

Here I can bare my heart
And no one would condemn
That underneath this saint
The harlot whose in pain

This place which I call home
Here I no longer doubt
No reason to pretend
All is but strippen out

~RTBR (01052017)

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying (A Favorite!)

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

masks that I'm afraid to take off,

and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

but don't be fooled,

for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water's calm and I'm in command

and that I need no one,

but don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

ever-varying and ever-concealing.

Beneath lies no complacence.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

to help me pretend,

to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

from my own self-built prison walls,

from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me

of what I can't assure myself,

that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

will not be followed by love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

with a facade of assurance without

and a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that's really nothing,

and nothing of what's everything,

of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

what I'd like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.

I don't like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand

even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

the blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings--

very small wings,

very feeble wings,

but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling

you can breathe life into me.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,

how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--

of the person that is me

if you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

you alone can remove my mask,

you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

from my lonely prison,

if you choose to.

Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

September 1966

Cause I happenstance on this on my box of memories. Someone gave me a print out copy of the poem back in highschool and it has been a favorite ever since. (The title on my copy is wrong though.)

I Am Me

Stop the comparison
Cause I will never be
For all the right reason
I choose to be me

Whether you like it or not
I can't be a lie
I won't change the plot
Even if I die

This is me
Just deal with that fact
Accept what you see
Cause I don't give a f*ck

~RTBR (01062017)

Waves