08-27-18

So it's a day before my 30th birthday and I'm feeling crappy since I woke up this morning. So much for starting the day crying while listening to a worship song. It was not bad crying, I was just reminded of the goodness of my Abba in my life.


Actually, I'm feeling kind of crappy for a few days now. I'm not really sure why but I guess it has to do with not being BIG with my birthdays. These are the days when I just want to hide from the world and be by myself. I have always been this way, I don't like having to deal with the "birth day". I guess it's because for years I treated it like just any other day. But I do appreciate all the little surprises and small gestures that makes me feel I'm valued, that I am appreciated.


Early this year, I was actually looking forward to turn 30. There were words given to me during my devotions which if I would sum up would be; that my Savior didn't actually start His ministry until He turned 30. And it struck my heart that I should actually be excited to turn 30. I know that there is MORE for me as I turn a new chapter. But right now, as I am typing this, my hormones is getting the best of me. Just a side note, the last birthday blog I made was back when I was 23. WOW!


So I'm not really sure where this typing is leading but I just had the feeling that I need to unload some, as usual. Just to get this feelings off my chest and clear my fuzzy mind a little.


I am somewhere in the middle of being grateful for my life and the feeling of being hollow. I know that there are people that would feel lucky if they had my life but I also feel like there are still so much things that I want to do and has put aside because of other priorities. I feel like there are dreams in my heart begging to be started, wanting to be accomplished.


The goal has always been to see the world but right now I also have that deep desire to start learning again - to be in a classroom and get fresh knowledge. I think I'm getting tired of the routine - sleep, work, ministry, church. I'm craving for independence away from my family - to be selfish and just take care of my own needs. Darn! I really sound selfish here but no one really reads my blog so go ahead and judge.


Maybe this is just hormones, but they are real to me. I feel like crying for no reason and just cry to wash away this emotions. And I can't really organize my thoughts right now so that's another good reason to cry! My writing skill has been rusty for ages and needs a lot of polishing.


Oh well, I need to get through the day. That's my favorite motto - just get through and let it pass. One day I'll wake up and everything will be okay again.


I'll try my best to write something tomorrow. Maybe my thoughts will be clearer by then...